Aging: Denial, Acceptance, and Heroism

Dad never did let that rockin’ chair get him. Here he is stretching fence at 90.

This post originally appeared on the Hearts, Homes, and Hands blog on 2019-11-27.

So buy him a drink and lend him an ear

He's nobody's fool and the only one here

Who remembers the smell of the black powder smoke

And the stand in the street at the turn of a joke

— Guy Clark

There is a perception that getting older means we are somehow less than we were when we were younger. The memories and stories of our elders get discounted as ramblings, the lessons they could teach lost to many younger listeners.

While we eventually reach the point where we need help, a long life is an accomplishment, something to be proud of. Perhaps that’s why people go to great lengths to deny their true age. For example, Suna’s father cared for an elder woman who claimed to be 104. When she died, it came out that she was really 108, but she felt it was important to she maintain the fiction of being younger than she was.

And my dentist is the same age I am, almost to the day. But I sometimes have trouble taking him seriously. His hair is the color of shoe polish, and he has obviously had “work done” on his face—probably a combination of face lifts and Botox®. According to MedicalNewsToday, “Botox is a neurotoxin … used to reduce fine lines and wrinkles by paralyzing the underlying muscles.” Why anyone would poison themselves in a failed attempt to look younger is a mystery to me. And it undermines his credibility as a health advisor. But he is an excellent oral surgeon, and I keep reminding myself of that fact.

When we get older, we get older. I’m eternally grateful to my parents for instilling this sense of realism in me. I am the youngest of six. My mom was 36 when I was born. So, by the time I was in high school, they were looking seriously at retirement. Our kitchen table was lined with forged trivets conveying such messages as, “Don’t regret growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.”

Admittedly, I thought this aging advice was embarrassing at seventeen. But I still remember it in my sixties. Maybe that’s why I feel accepting of my own aging. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

Even without denying our aging, we can still take steps to prolong our health and independence. My dad worked hard his whole life. He always advised me, “Don’t let that rockin’ chair get you.” The Spring before he died at 92, he planted 40+ acres of corn. His last hospitalization came at harvest, and he was more concerned about the harvest and yield than his own treatment. He knew he was dying and accepted it. So, he focused on what mattered to him.

This grandma fought off a home invader by herself! Not all of us have the ability or the confidence to do that. Photo by ABC News

This morning, I learned of an inspirational woman on the news. At 82, Willie Murphy beat a home invader badly enough to put him in the hospital. When the cops showed up, they took selfies with her. She said, “He picked the wrong house to break into.” Amen, sister! “I think he was happy when he went in the ambulance.”

Not all of us are body builders, but we can all do something. My neighbor across the road walked three miles a day—every day—well into her eighties. When she succumbed to cancer, she went down fighting, but she went down with grace.

All of us face challenges every day. These basically fall into two categories: those that are within our sphere of control and those that are not. All I can hope is that I continue to work on thing things I can change and accept those I can’t. I hope I’m never too proud to accept help when I need it.

If you find you need help with some of the things you used to be able to do, Hearts, Homes, and Hands is here to provide that help.

Food for Thought #11: Acceptance

OK. This image is kinda the opposite of acceptance. But how important is acceptance? Image source: Gritty Art

I am posting this week’s “Food for Thought” a little late, but then I’ve been late with all my posts this week.

This week’s idea stems from the Men’s Linguistic Society meeting. Some of the men from church get together once a month for lunch and a friendly discussion. Usually Rev. Chuck reads a passage from one religious leader or another to get the discussion going. This time he read a passage from Howard Thurman who postulated that everyone requires some form of acceptance and the acceptance and God’s acceptance is the ultimate.

Being good UUs, we first had to decide what the word acceptance meant. We did not try to find consensus on the meaning of God. That would not have been possible in the amount of time we had, namely a single lifetime.

So here is today’s menu. The code for the questions appears in the first comment.

Appetizer: How important is it for you to attain the approval of others?

At this point in my life, the acceptance of others is both more and less important to me than it once was. With life experience, I believe we grow less reliant on others to determine our own self-worth. I agree with Thurman’s initial point in that there is always someone whose opinion matters beyond our own self-image, someone or some group whose acceptance is critical in forming our own self-esteem. It is just that with age, we become more and more selective in whose opinions we choose to value that strongly.

Soup: Do you seek everyones approval the approval of a select few or not really give a damn?

I am more self-reliant as regards my self-esteem than when I was younger. I care less about the opions of most people. At the same time, a few people matter extremely to me.

Salad: Whose approval is most important?

Suna’s, distantly followed by my family’s and a few friends.

Entré: Whose is least?

Just about everyone else’s

Dessert: How important is it to attain you boss’ approval?

Much less than it once was. I think that as we get older, especially given some of the work experience I have had, I invest less in the opinions of my boss than I once did. I recently had a contract with someone who was an abuser. Her opinion mattered only in that I kept working, but not so much that. I think had that person offered me a permanent job, I would have declined. I know my value as a contributor. If someone else can’t see that or tries to undermine it, I know I can find a better match elsewhere in the market.